


between us

by mochilix



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst and Feels, Chan is kinda crazy, Felix is a lost sweetheart, I Don't Even Know, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, Supposed to be chanlix but things messed up man
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-15
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-09 04:54:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,499
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27019129
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mochilix/pseuds/mochilix
Summary: felix may or may not have lost his way to a gay bar (he didn’t he just loves to say that to play on the safe side), because his fear of Chris not reciprocating just became real. but Chris is as confused as he is, if not more. but then, changbin comes outta nowhere and suddenly Felix can’t think straight anymore.
Relationships: Bang Chan/Lee Felix, Lee Felix/Seo Changbin
Comments: 15
Kudos: 29





	1. if you're okay

**Author's Note:**

> im just confused between chanlix and changlix like originally i planned this to be chanlix but then suddenly changbin comes and i can’t just see binnie sad ㅠㅠ idk how I’ll write this, but please bear with me :”)

Felix would've fancied waking up at three on a Sunday morning, if the day was any bright but alas it hasn't stopped pouring since last night. He remembers chugging a bottle of soju, and his hangover would've been better than this if not for Chris's half burnt meatballs. 

A text pops up as he turns off the airplane mode.

_**crispy** _

_feeling okay mate?_

Felix feels like throwing up on his face. 

**_lix_ **

_ye, real good uk we can do this again?_

_read_

So that he can choke him to death once and for all.

_**crispy**_

_oh what again?_

Felix sighs. Shutting off his phone and a very bland Chris, he rubs his temples. It's like an explosion ground inside his head, and it's hurting like crazy. He has his first class at seven. History. He hopes the professor wouldn't mind his absence for the first period. 

* * *

"You left me on read," Chris whines, "You never do that. Not to _me_ hey—"

Felix tries not to listen to him, but Chris has this annoying bigger physique and a fucking loud voice that just booms through his thrumming head and it's insane. 

The shrill sound in his head only gets louder as he steps towards class. Is it just him or are there really two Chris blogging his vision? 

The next time Felix wakes up, the infirmary smell and white curtains make him all dizzy again. He feels like vomiting. 

"You shouldn't have come if you're that sick," Felix looks away. He might or might not be super mad at Chris right now, because well, it was his idea to have a bucketful of disgusting meatballs with soju on a Sunday night and shouldn't he be more careful knowing that Felix has the first class on Monday? 

"You're mad." 

_Oh now he knows_.

"Come on." 

Felix shrugs, still not turning to look at him. He hears a sigh, see, he's sulking. Then a muffled groan. 

"Okay." Felix feels the end of bed dip down. "I'm sorry okay?" Felix feels a handful of butterflies fluttering all inside him and honestly it's so weird? "I should've looked out for you." _He should've._

"But you didn't." Felix mutters, a subtle complaint dripping from his syllables. 

Chris sighs again. He has been doing that a lot these days. " _I'm….sorry_." He says again. Then suddenly out of the fucking blue, Felix feels a warmth on his thighs and fucking Chris is making himself comfortable, snuggling against his inner thighs. 

"I thought _I_ was sick." Felix manages. He just gives in too easily. Everytime. 

"Mmhmn." Chris smiles, eyes closed. And that's when Felix turns around to face him, Chris on his thighs, him sitting stiff so that Chris doesn't move away. Felix sighs inwardly. He was mad a second ago. 

* * *

"You don't have to like hold me like–" Felix struggles with the shoelaces. Chris is literally wrapping his whole body in his stupidly bigger one and Felix hates how he's stronger than him, or how he's almost his height but acts like he's taller. "Come on, let go," Felix moans, but Chris has almost turned a deaf ear to his protests, hand around his waist supporting him like they're some kind of clingy over mushy couples and–Felix stops his thoughts. 

"There's one umbrella." Chris deadpans. "And you know there's this thing called sharing," Felix rolls his eyes. "You should search it up sometimes." Felix makes a face. 

They shut up when they step on the streets. It hasn't stopped pouring yet, and Felix feels half of his body soaking from the big drops. Two of them aren't that small to fit in an even smaller umbrella but at least it's better than nothing. 

Chris grins like he has got flush As in the SATs. "You're being awfully quiet now." He states.

Felix says nothing. He doesn't trust his voice to not spew out some nonsense when he's standing this close to Chris, his other side of the body–the side touching Chris's arms, feeling disgustingly weird. Chris is surprisingly warmer than him, or maybe it's just Felix's body heat seeping through his bare arms, he can't be too sure. Though he knows one thing for sure. He feels sick on the stomach, at least he should feel that way because remember, meatballs? But all he can feel is Chris's warmth seeping through the thin fabric of his shirt, he feels sick really, but he hopes the rain never stops. 

* * *

Chris pulls open the door for him and honestly, Felix feels like it's some date night at home, considering how much of a gentleman he's being. 

"Can you...um.." Felix looks around the empty space, and the rain hitting the glass panels outside. "Like…." 

Chris splays beside him, asking him to continue. 

Felix pulls out the soggy socks, moving them away sloppily at some point on the floor. "Umm like," He avoids his eyes. "Can you...stay?" 

Felix moved away from home when he entered college on the other side of the town and miraculously, Chris got in the same college. He works part time in the fifteen minutes walk to the convenience store from his apartment, to pay for his tuition fees and mainly because he doesn't want to depend on his parents anymore. Coincidentally, Chris works there too. And they're almost like glued to the hips, like best mates since their diaper days. 

Either they're too busy or it's Felix's avoiding habit that has only managed to grow, he didn't bother asking how Chris managed to get in the same college with his higher grades. It has been almost two years, and Felix blames it on his stress. 

But days like this, Felix tends to get lonely, and all homesick, but there's nothing he could do before graduating. So, there's only one option. Chris. Chris actually offered to share an apartment since they have to pay their tuition and all, and sharing an apartment with your best buddy isn't hard at all. They could divide the rent, it'll be easier for both of them. But Felix had insisted. He gave him a duplicate key to his house, and there isn't anything that Chris doesn't know about like he even knows where Felix dumps his underwear. But for some reason, Felix didn't agree to cohabitate. 

Chris suddenly turns soft, eyes melting into a loving stare, the ones that Felix hates with a passion. He turns away, as usual, avoiding him. 

"Forget I asked." He stutters.

Chris laughs out, clearly amused by Felix's tactics. "We're best friends," He says, glancing at Felix's passive expression fleet between confusion and something mirroring his. He smiles. "I'm here when you ask for me." Felix hates himself for stuttering at the smallest of words, or how his breath just hitches when Chris words out something undeniably embarrassing. 

"O-okay then." Felix miserably tries to smoothen his tee. "Whatever you want." 

* * *

"I told you I can shower alone." Felix isn't sure if he sounds convincing, maybe his voice did crack somewhere in the middle. They're in the same bathroom, and Felix is literally squirming like a goldfish, trying to free himself from a very determined Chris. 

"I'm sorry but I can't just leave you alone in here," Chris voices out, trapping Felix's wrists in his. 

"It's a goddamn hangover not a fucking broken bone okay," Felix refuses to discard his tee. 

"Yes, just a hangover enough to fall down in the corridors, like," Felix avoids Chris's eyes. But he hates how his orbs always flitted through everything to rest on his face, Chris's gorgeous fucking face. He has turned paler, and Felix wonders if it's because of the ac. He was going to say something, but then again, he doesn't trust his vocal chords to save the day. 

"It's probably okay, and maybe I'm overreacting," A look from Felix tells him he is, and he knows that indeed he is overreacting. It's just that he can't help it. "I just hated how you looked, all breathless and foul faced, like you're about to die." 

"It's just a hangover, _dude_ ," Felix gapes at him. Yes, he may or may not sometimes relish in the way Chris worries for him, but at times like this Chris acts so insane and Felix was never good with those kinds of emotional states. 

"Yeah, I know." Chris looks distracted. "It's just that," He bites on his lips. 

"You're worrying like a boyfriend," Felix stammers, using his poor sense of humor, obviously failing to lighten the atmosphere. Chris meets his eyes for the first time they came inside the bathroom. Felix gulps from the intensity of his gaze, Chris never looks at him like that and honestly, _it's maddening_. It's like he's asking for something or maybe looking for some kind of closure but something's stopping him.It's like he's asking for something, like he'd do the craziest things if Felix utters the smallest syllables of approval, and it scares him how the idea doesn't really seem appalling.

Felix's gaze wavers, Chris, _fucking_ Chris holds him in place, and keeps on with his stupid staring contest. 

"It's weird." Felix almost laughs at how Chris says it. "Here, listen close." 

Felix slaps his tongue over his dry lips, suddenly aware of how close they are, and he hates the stutters of his stupid heart. "It's like it's going to explode." _Is Chris talking about his heartbeat?_ Felix feels the familiar warmth at the tip of his ears. "O-oh." Felix doesn't help. 

Felix observes how Chris's gaze darts from his eyes to his lips and again lips to eyes, it's a frenzy. He hates how self conscious he's being, and the place where Chris was holding him by the wrists, it feels weird. 

Suddenly Chris is too close, closer than their unspoken line of eternal broship, and Felix couldn't breathe anymore. One, because Chris is too close and two, because stupid Chris is pressing his stupid lips on his and he's stupid for closing his eyes and pulling him in. 

Maybe it's his soaked clothes, that he quivers everytime Chris touches his neck, or when his fingertips brush along his sides. Felix pulls back, looking through half lidded eyes, at the man who kissed him.

Chris is breathing irregularly on his lips, it tickles. 

Then Chris leans again, and Felix let him–as shocking as it would sound later–Felix pulls him in, because well, it's Chris's fault again, him and his stupid lips and his stupid dimples.

Felix doesn't remember when he slept that night. He remembers that they kissed, and literally cuddled each other to sleep. But when he wakes up, Chris isn't there beside him. 

* * *

Felix feels a sharp tug on his heart. Chris didn't come to classes. 

_**lix**_

_hey, u out there?_

_**lix** _

_oi where are u?_

_**lix** _

_are u leaving me on read? is this payback?_

_**lix** _

_come on man, just at least drop an emoji or smth_

_**lix** _

_you're okay right?_

_**lix** _

_want me to come ov—_

Felix presses on the backspace button, removing the last text. He almost sounds like Chris, if not more. But Chris never goes on all silent mode like ever, and that's what makes a sick feeling creep up his throat. He clears his throat, and gets up. "Can I excuse myself, professor? Stomach pain." 

The professor nods, agreeing more readily because Felix has always been a star student in literature. Felix clenches on the hem of his shirt. He never misses classes let alone be rebellious and run away from them. But he's worried sick, and his anxiety is eating him up, nipping at his stomach and if he doesn't see Chris in an hour he's going to have a panic attack. Yes that's probably too much, but Felix couldn't think of anything else. 

He looks back to the other end of the corridor and walks as casually as he could towards the entrance, like he's some kinda top model on his own runway. His second semester in college and Felix knows how the secret lanes work here. Like if you take the one to your right, you'll be popping up in the central square outta nowhere, and the one to your left, it goes straight to the crossing nearest his apartment. And then another five minutes walk to Chris. 

By the time he reaches Chris's door, his watch shows 10:32 and it's probably his fourth class starting. Felix does have a spare key, but he presses the bell anyways. 

_Once. Twice. Thrice._

And Felix swears out a stifled _fuck_ on the sixteenth time. But it's as if Chris has gone on his meditation routine, the door doesn't open. Felix swears again, and takes out his chain from his shirt, the key dangling down it's sides. Yeah, it's embarrassing to keep your _friend's_ key along a fucking chain and that's exactly why Felix keeps it hidden behind his shirt fabric. 

He turns the lock which opens with a click and Felix has never seen Chris's room this dark before. 

"Umm hello?" Felix calls, only to have his voice echo through the three rooms. 

Felix looks through the most unexpected of places, places where Chris could be and where he could never be, he even checks the sink if somehow Chris had some weird potion and turned smaller. But Chris isn't anywhere. Felix almost ransacks his bedroom, he feels like a burglar or something but Chris isn't there either. Felix drops tired on his bed. 

The bile in his throat only turns bitter by the second as he lets the fact sink in—Chris isn't beside him right now. 

The sheets still have a faint lingering of Chris's cologne, Felix breathes in a gulp. He was kissed last night, they even cuddled, then what went wrong? Isn't it normal for him to expect waking up to Chris's smile this morning? Or is _he_ overreacting this time?

Felix stumbles on the bed, letting Chris's scent wrap around him. Yes, maybe he is overthinking. Maybe, just maybe Chris needs some time alone. 

* * *

The next time Felix meets his friend is after a whole week, through a text where Chris writes,

_**crispy** _

_you free rn?_

Felix tries not to sound too worried or too clingy or whatever Chris wouldn't fancy it anyways. He types,

_**lix** _

_yeah_

The reply comes in a minute later.

_**crispy** _

_I'll pick u up in fifteen minutes_

Then Felix waits. He's stupid, like he wears his best shirt, and even puts on a decent makeup and his beloved black jeans. And he is panicking. Like full on panicking, pacing around the room, frequently checking the mirror if he looks presentable, then trying to stick back the extra hair behind his ears. It's almost like a date, Felix grins. 

The door clicks after a while, and Chris comes in with a smile. "Looks like I'm early." 

Felix suddenly finds the floor quite interesting, and obviously, avoiding Chris's eyes. 

"You look….pretty." Felix blushes. Pretty isn't something he gets to hear everyday, and the way Chris voices it out, it seems more endearing than those frequently used instagram filter pretty. 

"Yeah?" Felix mutters hoarsely. "Tha-thanks, I guess?" 

Chris fiddles with the end of his shirt. "I want you to be the first person to know this so," 

Felix doesn't blush easy, it's like he doesn't blush at all but fucking Chris and his even more stupid fucking dimple smile, it all just makes him like this. God, he hates this.

"I like someone." Chris says. Felix doesn't know if he should laugh like a lovestruck fool or cry like a dramatic ass or whatever but if Chris thought he's being cheesy, he really is. Actually he's really doing a good job on making his heart stutter at his every australian vocabulary. 

"O-oh." Should Felix say he likes him too? Or should he take some time too cool off and think about this practically like how their parents are going to react like they do have to tell them someda—

"Jade." Chris grins, shoving a picture of a gorgeous woman in front of him. 

"Huh?" Felix's heart stutters again, but this time for a completely different reason. He doesn't want to know what Chris is talking about, or whatever his brain is presenting as plausible. 

"The one I like." Chris says, a smile breaking through those stupid dimpled cheeks. Felix hates it all. 

"That's….tha-that's great, man," Felix could only force out, his throat feels choked and he hates how he's feeling something similar to the time Chris wasn't there. 

"So," He starts, not daring to ask any further.

_It hurts._

"I met her in this cafe, what's it again," Chris checks his phone. "Sunday sundaes? Weird,” he laughs. “But she's so beautiful, you know?" Chris swoons. Felix feels like his vision is turning blurry again, why is it that it's always Chris who makes him this way? Fucking Chris.

_It hurts._

"Yeah!" Felix hopes he sounds convincing enough, like at least he should cheer for him. Chris never had any serious relationships before like it's always him getting asked out, but this time, maybe Jane, Jade or whatever that girl is, maybe she's something special, that this time Chris is the one asking out. Felix bites back another faint stutter of his heart. 

"You okay?" Chris asks, Felix has turned paler. 

"Totally." 

_It hurts._

"You don't seem—" 

Felix stops him. "Won't your girlfriend get mad if you spend most of your time at your best friend's? Just go man," Felix almost shoos him out, Chris laughing all the way to the door. Then he locks it on his face, and slides down, it's too much to stand and take it all. 

Felix hears the steady footsteps fading away as he finally breaks. Felix doesn't cry, well, he never has a good reason to, but when he does it hurts like hell. He feels like someone pierced a hand through his heart, like those vampire webtoons, but multiply the pain ten times. 

Felix isn't the one to go crazy over his friend slash the recipient of his long term infatuation usually. But that's because he knows, whatever happens, Chris will come back to him. That's how it has always been. Him and Chris. Always. Now that his perfectly written fairytale is breaking apart, and it's foolish really, to cry over such a thing as long term crushes, but Felix can't stop the pain. 

* * *

Felix is at this bar again, one of the handful gay bars in australia. It's the only somewhat korean bar in his block, and it kinda makes him nostalgic. Men grinding against each other, men kissing, it's all men. Felix feels like he could breathe in here. He hasn't really worked out the lgbt agenda, but this place has the best soju, and it seems like korea all over again. He visited–ran away from home–to korea when he was fifteen, and Chris was there with him. He was kinda super rebellious back then. No parents, no girls, no one, just them. Felix wonders if it all started then. Then he dismisses it. It doesn't even matter now.

"Alone?" A boy around his age slides on the stool beside his, a lecherous smile on his plump lips. He's beautiful, Felix would give him that. Just not his type, just not…..Chris enough, if that makes sense. 

Felix nods. His grin gets wider. "Wanna dance?" He has nothing to lose now, so why even bother to deny? Just let it go for one night. He extends a tentative hand, and the boy literally paws it and drags him to the dance floor. Felix stumbles on his step, but gets there anyways. Sliding an arm around his lean waist, Felix lets his body take over and just let his mind fucking stop for once. 

A slow song started playing, then a hard one, then the slow dance came back and Felix doesn't really remember. The next second, he is throwing up in one of the stalls, the boy he was dancing with, Matt, Fred whatever has left with a disgusted look, leaving him alone. Felix remembers how Chris held him whenever they had a Friday night hangover. He feels another round coming up and he shoves his face in the toilet. He feels disgusting. He just wants to go home and sleep, and wake up with no accounts of the night. Why isn't Chris here? Right, he smelt foul, he's out with his girlfriend probably. Felix shoved down another round. 

After two more, Felix flushes it out, sliding down on the floor, and wipes his mouth. He could just die here and no one would know, what if what if only he died like this? What would Chris do if he died here? 

* * *

Felix wakes up, his head throbbing like crazy and there's a hoarse feeling clawing at his throat. Right, he didn't die. "I didn't die," Felix laughs bitterly.

" _Right_." 

Felix snaps back, and there he is, that stupid smile, those stupid dimples, fucking Chris again. Why does he always come back to square one?

"You," Felix gapes at the man. "You….why're _you_ here?"

"Shouldn't _I_ ask you that?" 

Felix looks confused. 

"Care to explain why I get a call at two from your phone and another man speaking from a fucking gay bar and saying you're shit drunk and rocking a fever." Felix touches his forehead. Oh shit, he's right. "What is wrong with you, mate?" 

Felix wants to tear up, he feels the warm feeling along the corner of his eyes. What is wrong with him? "I don't know, okay?" Felix almost screams. Chris looks taken aback as Felix slashes. "What is wrong with me? _I don't fucking know!_ " 

"Then why were you at a gay bar?" Chris defends. Felix scoffs in distaste. "Well remember that one fucking time you kissed me?" He continues. "Guess what, I might like dicks more than I thought. Is that clear enough?" 

Felix hates the silence. More so when it's between him and Chris. Chris drops placid on the floor, Felix doesn't even spare a glance. 

"I might've been drunk," Chris breathes quietly. 

"Another gay mistake, huh?" Felix sneers bitterly. 

Chris tries to look anywhere just not at Felix's demanding eyes.

Felix lets his arms fall stray on the bed. He hates how he's biting his lips to stop the tears. He hates Chris. "You remember you kissed me." Chris doesn't say anything. "You remember that I kissed back right into you, then you left." Felix feels lightheaded, not hearing if he's speaking things right. "You disappear for a week," Felix feels the familiar choked up throat and insufficient vocabulary. "Then you come back like nothing happened. And I thought this was a fucking date." Felix laughs. "I'm so stupid, right? I thought maybe you took some time off to think and maybe this is a stupid date that I'm looking forward to and then," His cheeks feel warm, he tastes salt when the drop reaches his lips. "Then you have a girlfriend. And you're _so_ happy. I should've been happy for you, you know?" Felix stops before he bursts out. "But it hurts so much Chris," 

His words are hanging on his tongue halfway when Chris comes on to him. Felix always knew Chris was taller than him by a little one or two centimeters but somehow his body fit perfectly into his, and it makes him feel smaller and he hates it. Like he's fucking 171 too and he's supposed to be exactly like him. But there he is, Chris holding him like always, like he's some weak fucker and lying to him that it'll be okay. 

" _Let go_ ," Felix pushes on his chest. Obviously knowing that Chris isn't going to budge, or letting go anytime soon. It's just that he's a good guy, and sometimes Felix thinks that it's him at fault, for suddenly liking him. "Chris, please, can you….let go?" 

Chris mutters something incoherent like, _no_ , but Felix isn't too sure because he's pulling back the next second. Felix looks away, but Chris makes him turn his way, cupping his cheeks. Felix fixes his eyes on Chris's collarbone, at least a much better option than staring straight into his eyes. 

"Look at me." Chris says. Felix bites his lips. " _Yongbok_ , look at me." His name rolls off his tongue languidly, Felix stiffens. Chris never uses his name, unless he's way too serious for Felix to handle. Felix blinks, fluttering his eyelashes before fixing his half closed eyes on him. 

He couldn't fathom his unspoken words, he could only stare at his eyes. Felix has been good at reading people, well, people except Chris. Chris never lets others read him like an open book, unlike Felix. "Look. I don't know–" 

Felix breathes. "You don't have to, it's okay. If you're okay, I'm okay." Felix almost yelps when Chris leans to rest his forehead on his, "You're so cruel," Felix says. 

"Let's try dating." 

Felix chokes on the warm puffs of air between their mouths. "Wha-what?"

"You said you like me," Chris says. 

"I didn't actually say it." 

"You meant it." 

Felix bites his lips, scraping off a protruding skin from the corner. He tastes blood. 

"It's not that easy, okay?" Felix mutters quietly. Chris leaves a long breath, fanning his lips. Felix starts. "This...you come back to me, with a girlfriend, and look it's the first time you liked someone, and I'm happy like really, and it's oka—" Chris presses a chaste kiss on his lips where Felix has peeled the skin off. 

"I'll try laying her off," Chris tries to say. 

Felix only gapes. "You're a total asshole." 

Chris looks his way down the guilt trip. "I am, ain't I?" 

"For real, Chris." Felix cries. "Me liking you doesn't change the fact that you like her, that she's your girlfriend," Felix feels his eyes burning. "I can't be the second option, I'm sorry. It's wrong to her and to me." 

Chris stays quiet for a while. Then he says, "So you're saying you won't go out with me?" 

Felix nods. Then he adds, "B-but…" He thinks. "We can be like before." Chris raises an eyebrow. "We can be like how we were, let's forget this week happened." Felix hears his heart thrumming through his chest and suddenly the tick of the wall clock shrills harder than before. "We can be like that, can't we Chris?" 

A small smile plays on his lips, Chris heaves a sigh of relief. "Yeah, just how we used to be." 

Chris hugs him, one of those bro hugs they used to share. Felix closes his eyes, letting his head fall on his shoulder. "If you're okay."


	2. find a friend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> changbin and felix are friends it’s as simple :))

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just so u know i love chan and i don’t wanna write him like this but i did and i hate myself he’s literally the bestest boy im sorry

Felix hates his seven am classes. First, Chris doesn't pick him up and second, their soju talks—don't really happen that frequently anymore. He's kinda lowkey pissed, but well, since they're friends, Felix has to live with it. The one thing that pisses him off the most is how Chris would do anything for her. Like yes, it's normal when people like each other, nothing really matters but Chris started dropping out, hanging out with his girlfriend's friends after school hours, and he doesn't even call him unless he needs something. 

Like last night, he called him up, and Felix was happy since it was a Friday and he hoped that maybe, just maybe Chris wanted to drink with him. But no, Chris was asking for his beer supplies since they were having a Friday night at theirs. 

  
  


**_Last night_ **

**_8 : 49_ **

Felix is running down the streets, anger flowing through him and the hurt hitting him in irregular waves. He pulls up his hoodie to cover his face. And here he is again. 

He doesn't really remember the name, but it's that gay bar behind the convenience store and he's at the front, contemplating if he should go in.There is a tap on his shoulder and he snaps back, stumbling a bit on his steps. 

A man maybe around his age is standing there and damn, Felix rakes his eyes all over him, he looks like those mafia bosses straight out the manhwas. Felix gulps, well, maybe he  _ is  _ a mafia boss. 

" _Hey_ ," The guy says. Felix flinches at his voice. It could've been the situation at his hand, but Felix's feeling dizzy just by standing close to him. Or is it the weather? Or maybe it's the cologne that the other guy is using. 

Felix nods, fiddling with the extra skin of his thumb. "Don't do that." He mutters, suddenly coming close. Felix raises an eyebrow. "I wasn't doing anything?" The man laughs, in his soft baritone and Felix literally swoons. 

Felix's heart does a flip, because they are so close, close enough to know the cologne he's using. It's different from the one Chris uses. "Stop peeling that off, it'll hurt later." Felix follows his line of sight to his hands, and then he flushes in sudden realisation. "O-oh, sorry." 

He looks amused. "Changbin." The assumed mafia boss grins widely, and weird enough Felix breaks a smile himself. It's like the way he's smiling, it's contagious. He notes the name in his head and extends a hand. "Felix." 

"Well Felix, wanna go in?" Changbin says, glancing at the bar. Felix suddenly feels awkward, like he's caught doing something he shouldn't really be doing and just wants to get away. Sure he needed some time to think things out (he was just going to get drunk and not think at all, that was the plan). But walking in a gay bar, with a guy voluntarily tagging along, uhhh, It's still too early for him. He steps back, but then Changbin is taking a step fforward. _Oh shit, maybe he really is a mafia boss and this beautiful man right here will kill hi–_

"Or you've probably lost your way back home and coincidentally you're in front of a not so straight bar?" 

"Huh?" Felix stops thinking for a while.

"Are you lost?" 

Felix laughs in his head. "Ye-yeah," He breathes. "That might be right." Changbin grins prettily. Honestly, he's so pretty, and Felix couldn't take his eyes off him, be it a mafia or a paid assassin. 

"What about–" Felix starts. "Me?" Changbin doesn't look at him. "Likewise."

The street lights aren't super bright in the area, and in the neon lights of the bar, Felix observes his features. First, he's built, like not the popping your pecs and big tiddies, it's the lean type with just the right amount of muscle. He isn't too big, but he sure is bigger for a guy who's few centimeters shorter than him. Then he reaches his face, and his eyes and he's looking at him. He's looking….what? 

"Oh shit. I'm sorry I didn't mean to you know...uh…" Felix feels like the air inside him has been kicked out, his vocal chords fail him again. 

Changbin chuckles, Felix hopes it isn't for his stupid self. "It's okay, we've both lost our way here, so we're just admiring aren't we? There's no harm in admiring someone's physical features you know," He explains and Felix could breathe again. Yes, maybe he has been admiring, there's no way he can just jump from Chris to Changbin in three minutes. That's just wrong. Well, Chris did it in one day, but, Felix sighs, he's not that low of a guy. 

"Uhh I should get back." Felix says after a while of awkward staring and even more awkward coughs which Felix tries to dismiss as sudden attacks of aerial organisms, and Changbin literally wheezes. 

Felix turns away, flushing out a polite _see you again_. He's walking back to his apartment then he remembers, _he doesn't have Changbin's number_. 

"Hey," Changbin calls him. Felix glances back, and Changbin is briskly walking towards him. Then he halts in front of him. Felix gives a questioning look. "I can't find my phone," He says. "Could you give a call?" Felix pulls out his own from his jeans and lets him dial. 

Someone picks up on the fifth ring. " _Hello_?" 

Felix puts the call on speaker.

" _Yes? Are you the owner of this phone?_ " An unknown voice came through. 

Felix looks over to Changbin, he nods in approval. "Yes," Felix says. He hears some shuffling and more than one people trying to say something or are they laughing? Then came through the voice again, " _I'm at the entrance of the convenience store,_ " Then a pause.

"Thank you," Felix chirps. "Please wait, I'm coming in a minute." He hangs up.

Then he grabs Changbin by his wrist and takes the left turn, a shortcut through an alleyway straight out at the convenience store in the front. Felix gets a call again, the same person calling and waving his hands. Changbin takes back his phone, both dropping a thank you. The man laughs, then gives a suspicious nudge to Changbin before walking away. 

Felix just raises an eyebrow, but asking would’ve triggered another set of unnecessary questions that Felix is too tired to listen too. He probably just came out for what, fifteen minutes, but without Chris sticking to him, it feels like half of his energy is just evaporating in thin air. 

“You okay?” Changbin asks. 

“Yeah.” Felix looks at the time on the clock sticking on the entrance. “Gotta go now.”

Then Felix just takes off just like that.

* * *

**_Saturday_ **

**_7 : 00_ **

“Oi,” Chris taps lightly. Felix gives a half sleepy yelp, turning all eyes to him. It's his first class, and miraculously he has that with Chris. Last time he checked, Chris didn't attend it. 

“Anything you’d want to share, Mr. Lee?” The professor glares at him. Felix cowers, shaking a small no. “Then please keep your voice lower in my class.” Felix nods. 

Class ends in fourteen minutes. Chris taps his pen on the wooden surface, just behind Felix. Felix gives a side glance at him, he's going to whisper-yell _stop_ _doing that_ (Chris expects him to do that) but then his phone vibrates. Felix clicks his tongue and takes it out, the screen flashing an unknown number. Felix presses the red button, and sends a text. 

**_lix_ **

_ who's this? _

**_unknown number_ **

_ you know me ;) _

**_lix_ **

_ im blocking :) _

**_unknown number_ **

_ woah woah okay im changbin  _

Felix feels his heart do a _badump_ , he sighs, _what the fuck?_ He covers his face, he's smiling way too wide and probably looks more stupid that he originally is and obviously he doesn't want the whole class to know that. 

Chris looks down, peeking through Felix's arms, a glance of his screen. Though he couldn't read the letters, (Felix has his default letter size as small, honestly Chris doesn't know why). But it irks him, how Felix buries his face in his hands. Chris knows him more than anyone, and he knows that Felix only acts like that when he's super embarrassed and also _note_ , he only gets to that point of embarrassment in front of Chris. _Chris knows that._ He's not texting _him or talking to him_. The possibility of _another_ person texting him who has the ability to make Felix like this, Chris feels the bile rise in his throat. 

"Who's that?" Chris whispers. 

Felix turns back with a barely muffled gasps, but silent enough, and grins, that toothy grin, and shrugs. Chris shouldn't feel this riled up. Like he has a girlfriend, and maybe this is just his brotherly concern speaking up but he hates how Felix smiles at the screen, he hates it all. Shouldn't it be him— Chris stops on his next breath. He blinks; that's as far as his thoughts go, as far as he would let them go. Maybe it's Felix's friend,  _ but isn't he his only friend?  _ Chris sighs. He should stop thinking. 

* * *

The way back home, Felix is glued to his phone as if Chris doesn't exist at all. Chris feels annoyed. 

"Could you like stop typing for a minute?" Chris peeks at his phone, Felix flashes it away faster. 

"Now you can't even show  _ me _ ?" Chris breathes ruefully, outright mad. "Why are you like this?" 

Felix raises an eyebrow. "Why am I like _what_? You shouldn't see others’ texts, that's basic manners." He states. 

Chris feels himself snap. "Oi," Felix retorts when Chris holds his hand out of nowhere and drags him down the street. "Chris," Felix groans. "Are you okay mate?" 

Chris doesn't respond, and by the time they stop walking, they are standing in front of Chris's apartment. Felix offers a light punch on his shoulder. "Okay what's up with you?"

Chris sighs.  _ He did not just do that.  _ "Nothing." 

"Sure, then I'm leaving." 

Chris hates how Felix's voice held none of the concern he's used to hearing. It makes his whole world spin, but this time it doesn't spin around him. "We're best friends," Felix stops on his tracks, Chris continues. "Why are you like this to your best brother?" 

Felix doesn't turn to face him. Chris only see a ruffling of shirt, and Felix's back stiffening. "I told you I like you, and I'd go to that extent of not liking you if you ask me to. Why are you like this to someone who might or might not like you?" Felix probably heard him moving because the next second he finches away. "Just let it be, we'll be okay. But please, make this easier for me." And he's gone. Chris slides down his door, he doesn't bother going in. It feels awful, and he tells that it happens when your close friend acts like that, but yet it isn't enough to cool off the burning in his chest. 

* * *

Changbin grins, "Do you mind?" He extends his hand. Felix bites his bottom lips. _Is it_ _okay_? But then again, he has nothing to lose. 

Changbin asked him out on a movie date– _not an actual date, you know, like not a date-date but_ date-date–last night. Felix would've refused him, but then Changbin sent a picture of him doing some shit like _binnie binnie would be sad_ , and he literally melts. He didn't expect that mafia personality to turn out this cute, like he's _adorable_ and—Felix omits the part where he had the passing thought of squishing his cheeks. 

He's here earlier–he always is–but Changbin goes one step ahead, being earlier than him. He says he got too excited and got there thirty minutes ago, and people are starting to think he's a spy or smothering. Felix couldn't help but laugh how innocently adorable he looked.

He takes his hand, heart exploding from the dazzling smile he gets in return. Then they are running, Felix passes his block, and Chris's too, he faintly recognizes the road directions pointing away from the central square. He feels a strange frenzy in his head, his guts, and even his fingertips, it feels nice where their fingers are touching. 

It isn't just butterflies this time, it's a whole firework frenzy in his body. 

They stop near an alley, both of them breathing irregularly. 

"Come," Changbin says. The alley is kinda a rundown part of the town, and Felix never really comes to this part. It smelled of old shoes and old faucet water, Felix winces from the strong scent. They turn left, the street lights don't reach this side of the alley, and Felix is almost stumbling when Changbin holds him by the waist and pulls him back. "It gets real hard if you don't know the way," Changbin whispers in his ear. "Hold me, okay?" 

Felix nods, suddenly embarrassed. Changbin is a weird type of sweet, like he's not flaunting his compassion towards strangers but somehow, he does subtle things that makes Felix's heart flutter in a staccato. 

Few minutes of walking through the damp puddles and graffiti walls, Changbin stops in front of a small studio, though bigger than his room. The stucco is peeling off the walls, and the floor has dips, if it isn't for Changbin escorting him like a good fellow, Felix would've gone face first on the floor. Also let's not add how the floor is an abode of half eaten pizza and torn chips bags, and how the fuck Changbin wears those clothes piled on the floor, Felix gapes. 

Changbin smiles sheepishly. "It's not the best of places to live in, yeah." 

"I didn't say anything." 

"You were thinking," Changbin says, Felix gives him a look. "Okay, maybe, probably, I don't know, I mean everyone who has stepped in here thought nothing different." 

Maybe Felix would be crossing his lines if he says it but his voice is apparently faster than his brain and the words flow out before he could stop them. "I'm...I'm not everyone." 

Changbin seems to be taken by surprise, but only for a second, because he's grinning the next second and maybe Felix intentionally misses that small blush dusting his cheeks. Changbin laughs, it's a cracked and embarrassed one. "Yeah, you're not everyone, are you?"

Felix wants to bury himself in the ground. 

"Thanks," Felix heaves a breath of relief, when they plop down on the bed. Changbin dismisses him with a smile, he seems to do that a lot. Not that Felix has anything to complain about. 

"So umm," Changbin seems to be thinking about something, Felix scans around the bed and sees the remote and it dawns on him. 

"Which one are we seeing?" Felix points at the screen. 

Changbin raises an eyebrow, then he realizes. Felix probably guessed from his behaviour, that they're definitely not going to the movies. "Uhh, sorry, I have to pay uhhh is it–" 

"It's okay." Felix stops him. "Everyone has their problems, and it's a movie night. It's not like I'd kill you for not taking me out in some fancy ass restaurant. And I'm not good with crowds anyways," Felix smiles, leaning closer to the older boy. 

Felix has never been in a more comfortable silence. Changbin moves closer, imitating him, and now their thighs are touching. Felix tries not to think about thighs and focus on movies. But Changbin starts talking. 

"I have to pay off some debts." Changbin lets his fingers run over Felix's palm. It's oddly comforting. "My dad's debts. Since mom died, he had been drinking like crazy. But then he met this woman at workplace and she probably changed him for good, like stop drugs and drinking whatever." Felix interlinks their fingers. "But then they left me because I was already an adult and dad said I should be taking care of myself now. I mean I had nowhere to go, they threw me out just like that you know," Changbin's voice is choking up, and Felix stops him. 

"It's okay, you don't have to go on. I wasn't intending to ask you anything, just don't go on if you're not okay." Felix brushes his thumb over Changbin's knuckles. 

Changbin leans, face falling on his neck. "You're the only one who didn't ask, people seem so interested to know what I do, who I am, where I go, but _you_ didn't ask," Changbin breathes in his neck. "But somehow as ridiculous as my situation is, I want you to know. Like we're just two strangers who lost their way to a gay bar," Felix chuckles at that. "But just listen okay?" Felix runs a hand over his back, saying that it's okay. 

"And then dad moved to States, with his new family, and I didn't know about those years of debts, whatever he did, but after he was gone I had those fucking debt collectors knocking at my door saying my  _ biological _ father left me five years of debts." Changbin laughs ruefully. "That was the one time I was reminded that I'm his biological son and I have to pay off my  _ father's _ debts." Changbin clutches Felix's shirt. "That took my school, my college, I didn't fucking attend college because of that man. I was already working part time when he threw me out, I could support myself with that, but not an extra load of debts. I had to quit school. It was too much, and education seemed like a luxury." Changbin pauses. "And now I have another year of debt to pay off. Then it'll be over I guess. Then, I don't have to identify as his son anyways." Felix doesn't question the wetness over his shirt, and how Changbin shakes like a leaf, he just holds him–pressed on his chest. 

Felix lost count of the hours they've been staying like this–Changbin in his arms. Maybe he's asleep, Felix feels his breath falling evenly on his chest. He threads his fingers through Changbin's black locks, rubbing gently over his scalp and sleeping Changbin seems to like it as he snuggles closer. Felix smiles at how weird everything has been playing out recently. Firstly, he had that thing going on with Chris, it was too much to take and that in turn affected his usual emotionalstate. Then all of a sudden Changbin comes into his life, like two days ago? He thinks if all broken people meet the way they did. They're both broken in some way, and maybe, maybe holding onto each other would make it okay. 

* * *

Changbin wakes up to a different body odor than his and coffee. The sheets smelled different, it's a haze between him and Felix and….just different. Changbin's so used to the linen smell of his sheets, it feels nice to have another scent hanging about. 

"Is this the breakfast in bed?" Changbin muses.

Felix raises an eyebrow. "It's just coffee." 

Changbin cracked a smile. Felix leans against the wall, looking around. “You need some serious clean up here.” Changbin groans. “I’m too tired to do that, and I’m not paying for some cleaning service, too early for that.”

“I’m saying, uh no, it’s stupid never mind,” Felix blurts. 

Changbin gets up and leans beside him. “I’m stupid, I need to know what stupid thing you thought of in your self declared stupid brain.” Felix scoffs.

“Uh I mean we just met two days ago you don’t even know who I–” Changbin presses a finger over his lips. “I don’t know you?” Felix nods. “But you know _me_. You know everything about me, and that’s enough.” Felix makes a hum of approval, his cheeks dusting a soft hue of red. “Uhm, well, you see, uhh you can stay with me OH NO I SAID IT YOU DIDN’T HEAR ANYTHING OKAY–”

“Okay stop yelling,” Changbin warps an arm around him. “So–”

Felix looks at him, and Changbin has never seen a more innocent person, it’s like he’s almost begging. “I’m not pitying you if that’s what you’re thinking, like it would be nice if you could stay–no–I mean I live alone so it won't be a problem but look I'm not forcing or I'm not doing any charity case it's just that you can stay there I won't mi–" Felix stops abruptly as Changbin's head dropped on his shoulder. 

"Okay maybe it's not a good idea after all," Felix sighs. 

"No," Changbin pulls away, cupping Felix's cheeks. "No, it's a fantastic idea." He pauses. Felix almost dies from the way Changbin smiles at him. It's so pure, and for a presumed mafia boss, Changbin sure smiles pretty. "But not right now." Felix drops again. "No, I'm not saying I won't stay with you. I'm saying not _now_. Let this be over," Changbin says. "Let me pay off the debts, then it'll over. I'll start college again, and uhh, continue my part time work." 

Felix ponders for a while. "Right, where do you work?" Changbin seems to stiffen and gives an awkward laugh. "Uhhh uuhm somewhere?" Felix raises an eyebrow. Suddenly that image of Changbin as a mafia boss pops in his brain and he almost blurts out something unnecessary. But then, he stops. Changbin will probably tell him later, when they're living together at least. 

Felix wonders how ridiculous it is. Chris and him, they're close, like closer than anyone and sometimes it seems like they're closer than their so called familial ties, but then Changbin breaks through everything. Felix didn't think of him as family, not even once. Then what makes him lean in when it comes to him? 

"You're frowning too much," Changbin pinches his cheeks, Felix breaks away from him. 

"Uuuu so I gotta go, I have classes I should–" Felix starts, scrambling up. Changbin grabs his wrist and pulls him down on the bed. "It's Sunday." 

"Uh?"

"It's Sunday Felix, you don't have classes unless you fail in something and have extra classes?"

"Ah!" Felix exclaims. "It's Sunday isn't it?" 

Changbin nods, clearly amused by him. 

"So we do... _what_?" Felix lies back, elbows propping up on the bed. 

Changbin pretends to think over his question (he didn’t think actually he already had it planned out). “We can go clubbing?” 

“I don’t see a problem, I don't have classes tomorrow.” Felix nods in approval. “Then I’ll leave, call me when to come over.” Felix gets up. 

“Why do you need to leave?” Changbin whines. It’s not like him, acting like that, and Changbin feels weird how comfortable he was with the boy he met just two days ago. It’s definitely weird. But well, considering his attachment towards weird things, it’s not weird at all. Changbin laughs in his head. 

“First of all, I need to shower. Secondly, I need to change into something more comfortable than this,” Felix gestures towards his attire. Changbin shrugs. Felix flicks over his forehead. “We’re meeting anyways, why’re you even thinking so much over it?” If only Changbin had any idea why. 

“Okay then.” 

“Bye, Changbin.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im moving too fast i know im too dumb to come up with slower plots : internal pain


	3. what goes on

Changbin clanks the glasses on the wooden shelves, cleaning them one by one. He had to go undercover ( _he says it just because it sounds exciting_ ), actually he’s hiding from a stranger–not really–Felix. Not that he doesn’t like him, nope. On the contrary, he liked him. _A lot_. 

"You're so weird, jeez," Hyunjin pokes, making a face. Changbin grins cheekily, taking out a wine bottle, rubbing its sides. Hyunjin snaps a finger in front of him. "You literally made me steal your phone– _ohmygod_ –then made your little boyfriend," Changbin tries to pull up a decent protest, but apparently Hyunjin talks too fast when he tries to prove a point. Hyunjin lifts a palm to shut all his efforts. "Made _your little boyfriend_ call you up, just to have his number, man, that's so…" He pauses," that's so...so...ughhh you know," He gags. 

Changbin throws a mint chocolate towards him, the tiny packet making a perfect hit on his pretty face. "If that twink, what was it again, Fred?" Changbin groans. "It's Felix, and _god,_ he's not a….a...twink." Hyunjin tuts. "Yeah, Felix, whatever, twink or not, if he's the way you say he is, then he's good, like seems really good." 

Changbin frowns. "And you're trying to say?" 

Hyunjin fiddles with his thumb, "I'm saying maybe, yeah there's a _maybe_ , maybe you're not good for him." 

The silence that followed is neither a comfortable one nor an uncomfortable one either, it's just extremely awkward. It's Changbin who speaks first. "So you're saying, like isn't this funny," He keeps a poker face. " _My_ best friend is lecturing _me,_ instead of taking _my_ side, you're spitting all this bullshit about me not good enough for him?" 

"Okay look here you idiot that's totally not how i said it." Hyunjin glares at him, waving a blonde strand behind his head. 

"You'd be surprised to know how much I can make out from your face." 

Hyunjin sighs. "Look. I'm not technically morphing out the words," Hyunjin says, drawing out his korean. Changbin slaps a rough palm on the wooden surface, the poor furniture trembling under the force. The taller puts up his hands in defense. 

"Look. Felix is a good boy." Changbin starts.

"So I say." Hyunjin draws out weird lines. "I'm just like suggesting that you might," Changbin gives a look. "Okay no, uh fuck it, I mean, you might wanna be careful with him." 

"You sound too concerned for someone who doesn't even know him." 

"Absolutely untrue." Hyunjin says. "I met him, gave him your phone, and he was cute." 

"That's all?"

"That's all." Hyunjin finishes. Changbin raises an eyebrow. "Whaaat, cute boys are very pure, trust me." 

"Right, and you had Seungmin from grindr, then uhhh, I don't know, a lot of cute boys hooking up with you and stealing your money, I see where you're coming from." Changbin grins lopsided.

"Okay maybe the other boys, but not Seungmin okay, he had an issue, and maybe he did take some money without asking–"

"Which is called stealing–"

"No, shut up, it's called helping yourself but coming out clean later, this is why you need educat—" Hyunjin slaps a hand over his mouth. "Oh shit, I mean, no, I didn't mean that." 

Changbin stares blankly at the wall behind Hyunjin. "Not meant what? It doesn't matter." 

"I'm sorry." Hyunjin gurgles, the atmosphere suddenly turns sour, and even though Hyunjin wants to say something, his tongue feels heavy. How he wishes to disappear right there. 

"It's okay, you didn't mean it." Then he's gone, the half clean glasses scattered on the tabletop. 

* * *

He couldn't believe that he has a date. Okay maybe no, not a _date-date,_ but _implied date-date_. Same thing. Felix giggles in his head. Felix takes out the most casual clothes he could find in his improvised closet. He wants to dress as effortlessly as he could, in case Changbin has the wrong idea and thinks that he's too desperate for attention. Well, maybe he is, Felix blushes, but Changbin doesn't have to know that. 

He leaves after an hour of pondering if he should, but then thought better. In another hour, he's standing like a fool in front of Changbin's run down studio. He's an hour early, surprisingly when he's not even punctual, but somehow, seeing Changbin's smile seemed like a much better option than his usual gaming routine in the evenings. He taps on the wooden frame. "Changbin?" 

He taps again, a bit firmer. "Changbin?" 

He hears a shuffling, then in a minute the door swings open. Felix finds himself in the arms of the other man, his body engulfed in his. Changbin buries his head in Felix's shirt, inhaling the laundry-scent, and sighs. From what Felix could pick up from last night is that Changbin's quite handsy with strangers or maybe, _maaaybe_ it's just him. Felix turns off his head from thinking, and leans in to the hug. Changbin's body heat seeps through his sweater, and it feels home. 

"I missed you." Changbin breathes in the unadulterated scent of Felix, coming off his shirt—and as strange as that sounds, he likes it. Felix could hear his voice through his skin, and it has been a night, just one fucking night, but unlike Chris, Felix doesn't have to worry about the lines of friendship here. They're friends, yes, they established that obviously. But there's something more, Felix knows it, and he just lets it be. Or maybe he's scared, he's running away, whatever way you put it. But for once, he doesn't wanna be the one to work it out. 

"Mmmn." Felix runs his hands all over Changbin's broad back, drawing hangul syllables on his skin. 

"I feel tipsy,” Changbin says letting go of the younger boy. 

Felix thanks the gods for deciding to dress casually. “Then just lie down, I’ll stay.” 

Changbin closes the door behind them before splaying over on the single bed, Felix follows taking the couch. His stuff is still lying scattered on the floor, and Felix could barely step his way through. “I feel like an asshole.” Changbin mutters after a while. 

“And why would that be, Mr. Seo?” 

Changbin lifts up his body to look at him. “I asked to come over, thought we could hang out and stuff but here I am. Very disappointed at myself.”

“I prefer this anyways.” Felix laughs. “We could just watch something again I guess,” he suggests, giggling.

"It's bad. I really really wanted to go—" 

"Hey," Felix leans closer, resting his chin over Changbin's shoulder. "That only gets bad if you think too much. Kinda make it seem like you're making excuses." 

"I'm no—" 

Felix rubs his face on his shirt. "I know. That's why," He looks at him. "You don't have to worry." 

Changbin sighs sweetly, relaxed onto his neck. "Why're you so nice to me?" 

Felix wonders it himself. _Why indeed?_ Wasn't he scared of him? Felix looks around the grey walls of the room, the paint peeling off them. Somehow, they seem endearing. Because Changbin's touches were all over them? He shakes his head. _What the hell is he even thinking?_

He keeps silent. It's the most plausible option anyways. _Why is he nice_ , what should he say to that? And even if he wants to say, he couldn't in a room where the walls have ears. 

Unknowingly, in one space of time, Changbin has his fingers interlocked with Felix. It's nice, not saying anything, not because they don't have anything to say, but just because they don't need to. 

"You know, I liked someone." Felix says, no fear, no hesitation, he just says it.

"Mmn." Changbin rolls out his fingers over his scalp, probably in an attempt to make it easy for him. Felix finds it cute. 

"I was so in love with him," He remembered to not flinch at the intentional _him_ , and Changbin doesn't seem to mind either. His gentle touches are still in his head, slowly brushing his neck, his back and then back again his head. "And maybe, still is. _God,_ it's so hard to think of that." 

"But then I realized," He laughs softly. "I never even had a chance. Since the beginning." 

Changbin rests his head on top of his. Felix thinks the pressure feels nice, as if there's someone, right by him. "Did you tell him?" 

"I did, maybe, maybe he didn't get it." The vivid images of his drunk confessions block his mind, it's too soon to forget them. "And he—" 

Felix's phone buzzed in his pocket. 

Ah, what the fuck," Felix groans, taking out the phone and clicking on the screen. It lights up, showing the only name he was meaning not to think of right now. 

"He's so cruel, you know?" Felix leans even closer to Changbin, probably in an instinct, but being closer to him feels less lonely. 

"Would you pick up?" Changbin asks, but Felix has already pressed the button. However, Changbin notices, as soon as he picks up, he seems to regret it. 

"H-hey Chris." 

It's strange, how Felix's mood seems to take a total 180⁰ at the other man's voice. Changbin doesn't say anything, but doesn't move from his position as well. So no matter how Felix tries to speak softly, he could still hear them. 

_Would you come over?_

"Uh, I don't know," 

_Come on, remember? We used to do this even back then? You can sleep at mine._

Changbin plays with the loose thread of Felix's yellow shirt. 

"But, umm, I'm somewhere else," He stops. "I'm sorry Chris, but I can't really come." 

Changbin doesn't hear anything for the next one minute, just Felix breathing deeply. 

_Where?_

Felix gulps. 

"Umm, you don't know the place."

_Then you tell me. Yongbok, tell me where you are._

Changbin could see Felix turn pale after hearing the guy on the other end. 

"Okay wait I'm texting you the address."

Then he hangs up abruptly. 

"Well?" Changbin says. "Are you selling me out?" 

Felix shakes his head in a vigorous protest. "No! Obviously not. Umm, could you maybe take me somewhere away from here and I could text him the address of that place?" He suggests. 

Changbin smiles. Good lord, the more Felix shows him, the more he falls. It's crazy. 

"Okay." 

* * *

Chris rushes to the place as fast as he could, and goes as far as taking the taxi instead of the bus. He reaches the place in ten minutes, the clock still thirty one seconds away from another minute. It's a place Chris has never been to, and sure enough Felix didn't either. It irks him, how Felix called him to a place that he knows not of, that _they_ know not of. 

He calls the first contact and waits. 

_Yes?_

"I'm here." Chris mutters coarse on the phone. "Tell me where you are." 

_O-oh, right, Changbin where are we?_

Chris stops on his tracks, a sickening feeling creeping up his chest. _Changbin? Who the fuck even is Changbin?_ He hears a more masculine voice say something about the place and then he hears Felix again. 

_Uh hyung, just come over to your nearest café. I'm standing right in front. I'll wave if I see you._

Chris doesn't wait to pay heed to his next words, he's already briskly running towards his nearest café down the lane. Only a few metres. 

Three minutes and he's already there, and what's more, he could see his friend near the exit. _And another guy next to him._ Chris preens at them. Aren't they standing too close? Too close for the usual "they-seem-to-be-really-good-friends" trope? 

He steps forward, and he thinks Felix has spotted him because he's already waving his hands cutely in the air. 

"Hi." He says as he stands beside Felix. Closer than the other man. Felix shifts against his chest. "I'm Chris. Felix's _close_ friend." 

Changbin's eyes dilates into thin slits, as they fix on Chris. "Changbin. Nice to meet you Chris." 

"Yeah, likewise. Even if I don't know you, but you must've taken good care of Felix to have him come to you," Chris says, something different oozing out of his tone. Felix looks at him, it's so strange. 

"I have tried my best." 

Chris doesn't say anything, then he turns to face the younger boy. "We're going home." 

" _Home?_ " Felix asks, genuinely surprised. What's even home? 

" _Mine_. At mine." He doesn't explain any further and pulls Felix with him, not giving Changbin a chance to speak let alone protest. 

* * *

Chris roughly presses the door pass, pressing the wrong numbers a few times but then it opens. He slams Felix's body on the wall, the latter giving a startled yelp at the sudden attack. 

"Wh-what?" 

Chris holds him in place, caging his small of a frame between his much more built one. He has Felix's arms trapped under his palms. 

"What's wrong with you?" Felix trembles under him, his hold so tight that it's starting to hurt him. It only stirs up the older more. He leans in, presses his face on Felix's chest and does no such thing as moving away. 

_"Chris?"_

"You know," he says for the first time, and Felix listens close. "I was mad." Felix stiffens under him. Suddenly, Chris is pulling him by the wrists, to his bedroom and pushing him, making him fall in the bed–back first. Then Chris falls over him, his body pressing over his friend. Felix winces at how close they are, and how Chris's breath is on his neck, how it felt disgustingly fulfilling to have him over him, his pressure a comforting one. It's all so fast, Felix doesn't have a chance to detail out everything abd all he could think of right now is—Chris, bed and wondrously him underneath. 

"Hell, no, I _am_ mad." Chris talks on his neck, making him squirm. It's bad, to think that Chris knows all of his sensitive places. It's really really bad. 

"I like her," When he says, Felix feels the familiar tearing in his chest, it's hurting again. 

_"Stop,"_ he whispers, falling lifeless under him. "Please." 

_"No._ I won't." He says, then props up on his elbows, and they're sob insanely close that Felix wants to cry. He's so close to him. He's _so, so_ close. 

"I like her," he repeats, Felix turns away from him, eyes crinkling up in distaste. "But I don't wanna let you go." Chris says, out of the blue, no hesitation in his words. No second tries to change what he just said. 

"I want you, not the way I want her. With her, it almost feels platonic." He traces unknown digits on Felix's freckles. "I want your breath, your eyes, your lips, your fingers, your body, _your everything_. Do you understand me, Yongbok?" 

It's so unreal, as Felix searches his eyes, for some sort of lie, _anything_ , just something other than what he said, but he finds none. It's like Chris is drowning, and then he finds Felix on the shore and then chasing him like his last resort. It's frustrating, it's dreadful but Felix doesn't find it in him to run away from the helpless man. 

Felix could feel the warmth in his eyes, it's salty. Half lidded eyes, he gazes into Chris's grey, dilated ones. "You want _me_?" 

Chris moves even closer, nose to nose. He's breathing the same air. "What if I say I do? What would you do?" 

"Felix would've asked you to let go. To not love him anymore." He says, his rational judgement clouded by his first love, it's brimming in every corner of his body, in every cell that made him fall in love with Chris once. Chris seems to still, but staring at him yet, eyes never leaving his. Felix lifts one arm to wrap around the older's neck, brushing against his earlobes. "But Yongbok asks you to lean in," He smiles, hoping Chris couldn't see how hurt he is. "Yongbok would ask you to kiss him and not let go till he's breathless, and your name on his lips." 

Chris leaves a sound of approval, but moving not yet. Felix lets his fingers move across his face, resting at his lips and they tremble under his touch. 

"Chris would've pulled away, for his better judgment. But—" He moans slow in his ear, Felix returns the same, his hands now travelling down Chris's waist to push his down on his body, close and closer. 

"But?" Felix chases the puffs of air from Chris's mouth. 

"—But Chan would make sure he's the only person you could think of."

Felix smiles under him, it's so wrong, it's so so wrong, but for once he stops listening to the voice in his head. Maybe letting go once wouldn't hurt. 

"Then, Chan, would you please kiss Yongbok?" 

None of them really remembers who leaned in first, but when their lips touch, it doesn't matter anymore. Felix could only feel his senses weakening as Chris kisses him, chapped lips and the taste of cigarettes. 

"This is so wrong," Felix draws his tongue over Chris's bottom lip, biting down on it whenever he feels he's losing his taste. 

"I know." Chris dives deeper, and it's hot, sloppy, like they've been deprived of air. Every word that leaves Felix's tongue, Chris swallows them all, leaving a sweet aftertaste in his mouth. "And you should stop me." 

Felix whimpers in his mouth. "Yes, I _should_." 

Chris kisses the corner of his lips, licking off the saliva dripping down, it's kinda disgusting but Felix finds it hot. "You want me to stop?" 

"Ye-yeah," He breathes, eyes blown out. 

The older leans in, just to stop centimeters away from his swollen lips. "Then push me away, and tell me you don't need me." 

Felix's throat feels heavy. He gazes at him through his eyes half closed, lashes blinking softly, and he clutches onto his shirt. He should push him away. But why does it feel so right? He knows it's disgusting, it's rushed and it's literally cheating. And when the next words leave his mouth, he wants to end himself. 

"Kiss me, please." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so this is messed up (and i hate myself too) i swear this is way too complicated i don't even understand what im writing anymore :( and note ; there're a LOT OF TYPOS ㅠㅠ


	4. mess it up

He kisses away his tears. Cheeks red, and his nose stuffy the more he cries. 

"Hey, hey," Chris swoops a kiss on his lips. "Look at me, hey," He kisses away the new teardrop threatening to leave his lashes. "Don't cry, don't cry please. I'm here, ain't I?" 

Felix couldn't stop his tears. "Chris," He couldn't let the words out, they seemed to end in his throat. Chris pulls him closer, bodies to bodies, knees touching closer than ever before. Felix needs him more than ever before. 

"Hey, Chris?" He looks up, lips touching. Felix could breathe him. Chris nods, asking him to go on. "Can I love? Is it okay to love?" 

Chris feels his heart tighten at his words. Is he so hurt that he needs to ask his permission for love? He leaves a thousand kisses wishing for a thousand wishes to come true on his lips. What if they loved each other? What if Chris didn't have a girlfriend? Is it wrong to hold the boy in his arms? 

Felix's palms tighten around his shirt. "Can I love you, Chris? Can I not give up on this feeling? I thought I could let go, but I'm so scared to let go of this, of this feeling, I'm so scared, Chris I'm—" Lips find his again and Chris kisses him, one wish after another written on their lips. 

"I don't know. Can you keep loving me? Can I be selfish and ask you to do that for me?" Eyes half closed, dried tears on his cheeks , Felix looks beautiful to him. What if he wished for him, for Felix to be his? 

"We're not doing this right." Suddenly Felix sits up, rubbing his eyes, blurry vision. 

Chris follows, the previous fear suddenly settling in again. "You're not giving up on me are you?" He grabs his arm. "Hey, don't tell me you're really thinking of giving up on us." 

Felix laughs, lips trembling, the same lips that Chris kissed a thousand wishes. "But you don't love me. And I won't force my feelings on you, I'm okay with having them alone, I didn't ask you to accept them. You acknowledge them. That's enough." 

Chris feels the bile in his throat choking him, he gulps, it's bitter. "Who said I didn't love you? _Love you? I'm in love with you._ " Chris moves closer, takes Felix's hands in his. And smiles at him. "I love you so much I feel like I could lock you up, and there'll be _just you and me_." Chris scrambles to push up his body, and hold Felix by his waist. Titling his head, he kisses his neck, sucking on the sensitive skin. 

Felix shivers. " _In love?_ Are you kidding me, _in love?_ " He stumbles on his words. "What the fuck do you even mean, Chris?" 

"You don't understand? Didn't you say that you like me? Oh, so now you don't? Is it that guy now?" Chris stops. Felix looks away, a whole mess underneath him. "Woah." Chris sneers. "This is insane. You said you liked me, didn't you?" Maybe it's just in his own head, but Felix has never seen Chris's like that. It's scary. It suffocates him. 

" _So, does he fuck you good?_ " Chris draws a line around his neck. "Better than I would have?" 

Felix feels like choking up again. It isn't supposed to be like this. He doesn't want him like this. Chris is right there, directing all his attention to him, but why, it's only hurting him. 

"I can't do this." Felix deadpans, pushing on his chest. "I'm sorry." 

They fall silent. Too much city sound outside their room, but like a deafening dead end, Felix hears nothing. Only his heartbeat, stuttering and Chris's following at a sow pace. 

" _You can't?_ " It's cold. Chris's eyes are dilated, and lips drawn in a thin line, he looks calm. Too calm for someone who just kissed his best friend. 

" _You can't? Really?_ " He repeats, and Felix could see a slight smile on his lips. He's scaring him. 

Chris leans closer, intertwines their hands, and he presses lightly. "But _Yongbok_ ," He whispers against his lips, eyes looking straight into him. "I won't let you say that." 

A cold shiver runs down his spine. _What?_ Chris only calls him that when he's dead serious. But even if he didn't right now, it doesn't take a genius to figure out that Chris means every word that leaves his mouth. Felix doesn't think anymore. 

With a hard push, he kicks off the bigger body, and darts straight towards the door. He doesn't care if his shirt is messed up, or if he looks fucked out. He has to get away. Anywhere, but not here. He pulls open the door, relieved for the first time that Chris doesn't lock his door and takes one last glance back before running away from the place. He wishes he didn’t look back. He was too calm again, too calm to see his prey flee. Or maybe, too calm to see his prey running away, in circles and right into his trap again. It's maddening. 

* * *

Things didn't really go as planned. Felix could put his thoughts and heart in one line and it's honestly frustrating. What did Chris mean by "locking him up"? Isn't that...isnt that too crazy? Felix rubs his calloused fingertips over his lips. He still feels it, how Chris pressed on him, how they kissed. A rush of guilt took him over. He plops down on the bed. What should he do? It's all so messed up. Should he have feelings like this, is he allowed to feel this way? He likes Chris, he has for a long time now, but then there's Changbin. Felix couldn't outright deny that he doesn't feel anything for the guy, since right now, all he could think of was hugging him once again. Maybe Changbin could tell him, that it's okay, it's okay to feel what he's feeling. 

Felix makes up his mind. He locks his room and takes the fastest route to Changbin's alley. He checks the time, and in only a couple minutes, he finds himself near the dark alley as the bus stops. He runs, literally runs, through the dark, he doesn't care if he falls, he just needs to see him. Hug him. Panting, he raps on the door, harshly. 

"Hey," he croaks. "Changbin? Hello?" He knocks again. 

The door opens in almost a second, and Felix doesn't wait, he falls on him. Felix leaves a breath, and takes in the cozy laundry scent oozing out of the fabric. It feels home. He places his trembling hands over Changbin's chest and holds close. Changbin may have been startled at first, but he recovers fast and pulls the younger boy in the next second. 

"Hey." Changbin blows in his hair, the blonde locks ruffling under his breath. 

Felix purrs, and nuzzles closer, as if asking him to hold him. Changbin doesn't refuse him. Locking the door, with unsteady footsteps and bodies still clinging to each other, they fall on the bed. Just breathing, holding and listening to the other's heartbeat. 

It was evening, and usually the reddish-yellow rays make a colour rush on Changbin's walls. But it's cloudy, and the walls are empty, colourless. 

"I don't know what I feel." Felix cries softly after a while, trying to distract himself by playing with Changbin's fingers. Changbin lets him. "I don't know what to feel." 

"I like him." Felix mumbles. Letting out his feelings is hard, and Felix feels as if he has been exposed and he scrambles, in order to get closer to Changbin. "I liked him for so long you know," He lifts Changbin's palm and places his over his exposed cheek as they're lying on their side, facing each other. "But…." 

Changbin traces his freckles, and attempts to count them. He's so beautiful. 

" _But then_ …" Felix stops, bites on his lips to stop feeling hurt. If it would've been so easy to not hurt anymore. "Then _you_ came." Felix couldn't stop his words. Like a jar overflowing, his emotions too overflow, and he couldn't stop it. 

"I fucked up." Changbin doesn't say anything, but rubs comforting shapes on his cheeks, as if making constellations out of his scattered freckles. "And I like you too." Felix cries. "Is it so wrong? Am I allowed to feel this way? I'm so sorry—" 

Changbin lets his finger press over Felix's lips, stopping him. "You should never say sorry for liking someone, and when it comes to me," He places a timid kiss on his nose. "You never have to be sorry. Everything's okay, when it comes to you." 

As if Changbin is telling his heart, and Felix lets him. He thought about it before, and it came natural, letting Changbin in. 

Changbin smiles, and Felix wants to kiss his happiness. Changbin now presses their bodies close, legs tangled up, Felix's head resting on his arm. He kisses happiness in the corner of Felix's tear-stained eyes.

"Sometimes you feel like you could be anyone," Changbin leans. The evening sky isn't really beautiful with the dark clouds, and it's not even pouring yet. But Changbin couldn't stop the storm in his heart. Even though the sky isn't, Felix is absolutely breathtaking. With their fingers entwined, Changbin could go over to the end of the world. Just for him. "But then, you choose to be you, all over again." 

Felix laughs softly, and Changbin falls in love, again. "Then what's the point?" Felix asks.

Changbin turns at him, gently tucking a stray strand of blonde lock behind his blushed ears. "I choose to be me, and then, I can fall in place, again, right here with you. All over again. And please god, let me fall for you, in every life." 

Felix's heart stutters again. He doesn't know anymore but he couldn't stop his heart. He lowers his head, blinking furiously, suddenly a rush of guilt overwhelms him. _Yet again._ Should he always feel this way? 

"Hey," Changbin places his thumb under his chin, titling it up to meet his eyes. "Would you like me too, in all of them?" 

Felix searches his eyes, and he stumbles from the raw emotions flickering in his dark orbs. He can't run away. His heart speaks again, but not without caution. "I...I'll try." 

Changbin laughs, and Felix hasn't seen a happier person. "That'll be enough. It is enough." 

And in the evening, they fall again.

* * *

Chris types quickly on his phone. If anyone could see him right now, they would run away. He looks crazy, and somewhere in the middle Chris started believing that maybe he is, crazy. But he doesn't dwell on that. It's depressing. 

_@loverboy_

_i feel so nice. i touched him. he feels nice. i wanna touch him, expose him the way no one ever has. he likes me too. i could die of happiness. is this what love is? ___

Chris thinks twice before actually adding it to his blog. No one knows him, and neither does he. But here, he could be anyone, say anything, and still be loved. Wanted. He could have the eyes of a million people on him, and they don't even know his name. 

He's going crazy from the adrenaline flowing through him. He's burning up. His whole body smells like Felix and it's enough to get him off. Chris slenders a shaky hand down the waistband of his pants and strokes his length, already half-hard. He touched Felix with these hands, and now they wrap around him in a trembling grip, jersey moving to just take him to the edge and feel the pleasure wash over him. He teases the tip, maybe Felixe would’ve done that. His thumb rubs over his slit and digs in a centimeter, the pain feels good. He holds up his shirt, and crumbles them in place. Letting his body splay on the bed, he goes back to stroke himself again, stopping just before he's about to come. It turns him crazy, but he goes on edging like a madman, wanting to feel the greatest heights of pleasure. He squeezes his balls, and hopes that next time, Felix would be there to do that for him. But it all comes down when he thinks of his face, as if he's crying and Chris's length buried inside him. He comes without warning, his hips jutting up, spine arching. His head blanks, and it almost hurts from how disgustingly good it feels, as he keeps on stroking, letting out every last bit. 

After that, he slumps down on the bed, the sheets crumpled messily under him. Chris breathes heavy, lungs burning from the lack of oxygen, and head still thrumming. 

He plays with the sticky mess on his chest, and licks a strip from his fingers but spits it out the next second. _Gross_. But next time he comes, he'd make sure that Felix doesn't let it waste. _His beloved Felix._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im going crazy too lmao wtf am i even thinking :)))

**Author's Note:**

> but isn’t chanlix like the ultimate ship???? :((( but it can be a threesome if i think better ;)


End file.
